Vodamoan…….. Vodafone smart phone dumb service ?

Now then readers settle down grab a cuppa and a biscuit because I am about to tell you a story.

Once Upon a time……..

Back in September whilst I was under the influence of morphine tucked up safely in my hospital bed my IPhone unbeknown to me had decided to randomly download lots of data, this occurred at 4 in the morning. Naturally the first I knew of this was when I received a £270.00 bill from Vodafone.

So I contacted the chaps at Vodafone who straight away used some common sense and after going through my account agreed that this was totally out of character with my usage and put this down to a known software issue with my iPhone. They explained that I could recall the money back via an indemnity claim and they would place the amount in dispute. All I had to do was have a diagnostic check performed on my phone and send them the results.

As I live 40 miles from my nearest Apple shop and was pinned, plated and plastered thus unable to walk , I didn’t feel it would be the best use of an Ambulance to get me there . Therfore I asked them to kindly send the phone back to them as they were my supplier , they could then perform the check. They agreed and arranged to send me out a returns bag, excellent.So I waited… and waited. My son left school, went through University, got married had his first child and still no bag!!!! So I called them and requested this again, this time they informed me it would take 5-6 days…. Five to six years past and still no returns bag. So I thought perhaps the fact that I wore a brace meant that they had interpreted my request for a returns bag, as I wanted a body bag and was waiting for the passing of my death. Which would probably have occurred via the method of a heart attack going through the additional stress they were now putting me under.The bag never did arrive….

Fast forward 5 months to this week and upon checking my bank statement I was absolutely thrilled to discover that Vodafone had taken a huge chunk of my hard earned cash once again. I was so happy about this naturally I couldn’t wait to get on the phone to thank them. It appears they weren’t so keen to talk to me, as I had to wait 25 minutes before they answered my call.Fair play to the young chap who listened to my speech of thanks he was so happy I called that he rewarded me back by once again issuing a refund and a re-calculation of my bill. My new bill would be emailed over. I could now go to sleep happy that all was good and fair in the world once again.

Now I think Vodafone play some sort of subliminal message within their hold music because despite their past two mistakes I decided to continue giving them more of my money and swung for an upgrade.

So the next day I called them and I waited for 40 minutes for the upgrades team, then I had to hang up because life was holding for me on the other line. I repeated this exercise four more times and once even got as far as being put through to the upgrades department.After holding out for 32 minutes I finally got through but then I got a message saying they were now closed, which by now is a bit like my mind once open to the fact that Vodafone could still remain as my mobile provider.

Now today with nothing better to do on my drive back from an appointment , I decided that the hold music at Vodafone was better than Heart fm and so I plumped to listen to that for a while. Which I did for 25 minutes and then I was excitedly thrown into the welcome arms of a lovely lady called Dawn from the upgrades department.As we swapped pleasantries and talked about my shiny new gold iPhone 6s , Dawn the little minx had me right up there in the excitement levels. I was already fantasising how great Ryan Reynolds would look on my extra large screen.

Then she ht me with it……. I am sorry but you can’t upgrade,there is an outstanding amount of £270 on your account.

From hero to villan Dawn was no longer of use to me.

Ryan shrunk back to the size of a standard screen as my hand hit my forehead in the hope that Dawn would hear the slap and realise that she had just broken me.


No Dawn you are wrong , I have paid that twice and you have refunded it twice because I don’t actually owe it, but…. I do owe you some which will be my usual amount and I am waiting for you to confirm how much that is so I can pay it.

Silence…. and then she says the very words I didn’t want to hear.

“You need to speak to our billing department then ”

NO NO NO Dawn I need the fecking Samaritans right now because I’m two seconds away from throwing myself of one of your masts in an attempt to get your bloody attention once and for all !!!

Dawn proceeded to put me through to billing , I guess she didn’t know the number for the Samaritans …

The lady in billing promised to “expedite the recalculation of my bill” after speaking with her manager who was probably sat next to her still knitting my returns bag from 5 months earlier using cocktail sticks and a blindfold .

If the bill is anything like my expedited returns bags that will come through just after my telegram from the Queen.


By which point I will be able to pay the bill in “old money” from my pension.

So Vodafone I have 2 months left on my contract and please consider I have two lines with you I’m no small fish in your pond of despair.

I can’t upgrade because I owe you money that I didn’t owe in the first place , but paid anyway. In fact I paid it TWICE which you then paid back to me TWICE because I didn’t owe it.

So I make it that You actually owe YOU money !!!!!!

So please could you pay yourself back and let me pay the little I do owe and sort this bloody mess out once and for all.

And whilst you are at it please manage callers expectations a lot better than you currently are. You promise a 6-13 minute wait time. On all of my calls it was more like 40 minutes so either your clock is as slow as the delivery of your bags or you actually mean 6-13 hours and are over performing.

Vodafone Power to you ….. And by YOU they mean them.


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