Vodamoan Part II

Every great story begs for a sequel and thanks to the incompetency’s at Vodafone, I get to present to you all Vodamoan Part II .

As we left the story before this story starts with little much in the way of change with Vodafone still owing themselves money and despite my best efforts Vodafone refusing to acknowledge my very being. A bit like Brendan Dickslap did at the school disco back in the 80’s. Look at me now Brendy Baby with a hot young chap on my arm. Enjoy your life !!!

Having quite a busy schedule this week, a husband with food poisoning I had neither the time nor the inclination to pick up the phone and listen to more of their wonderful hold music which is wait for it……………..

Coldplay’s “ Adventure of a Lifetime “ those folks at Vodafone love a bit of irony don’t they?

Even more ironic is that the video to this track involves a load of monkeys dancing.

Therefore I am sure that Vodafone won’t mind me referring to their staff as primates.

Suddenly unlike Brendan Dickslap one of the social media primates eventually noticed me and sent me a link to some Live Chat action.

Now at this point I am wondering whether those cheeky monkeys were about to hook me up with Sexy Sandra from Salford who would spend the next 20 minutes telling me what she wanted to do to me whilst sat at home, laptop in one hand and a pint of cider and a John Players in the other.

Deciding that I couldn’t loose either way , as if all else failed I could always pretend to be Greg from Sidcup and engage Sandra in a game of online keyboard intercourse, the transcript of which I would post to the CEO of Vodafone thanking him for the kindness of his staff in sharing his wife’s email address with me and could he ask her to send those panties she promised!!!!


As I clicked on the link nervously awaiting my fate, it was a mere 5 minutes before Primate number 2 took digits to keys and typed.

How can I help? Once we went through all the security checks (and by the way I changed my memorable word to Cockwomble) The text box went blank as he dragged his knuckles across the floor to speak with “ The Supervisor “. Who was clearly out the back having a fag!

The Supervisor
The Supervisor

Upon his return and what seemed like an eternity of watching his little pencil swaying from side to side (not a euphemism by the way) the words came up!!


The temptation to reply “ What my bank account when you help yourself to more large amounts of my cash ‘? Was strong. However I had a new book I wanted to start reading and my battery was running flat so I typed, “Okay”

Fast forward 24 hours and I’m back at the Zoo only this time I had the conversation emailed to me !!!

Monkey : ‪Amanda, please don’t worry at all, I found that the charges on the bill are total incorrect hence please don’t worry at all, we will remove them for you.‬
a j weir: When will that be done please
Monkey: ‪And regarding the upgrade, we have a dedicated upgrade team on the chat as well as on call, there working hours is from 8 am to 7 pm.‬
Monkey: ‪Hence if you wish, you can contact us tomorrow and I we can help you to upgrade.‬
a j weir: I can do that online can’t I ? I repeat when will my account be cleared ?
I will update your account notes and in next 24 working hours, the incorrect charges will be removed completely.‬
Monkey: ‪Yes, off course you can do that as well, however as you are upgrading your contract, you can negotiate the deal with the upgrade agent.‬
Monkey: ‪You can ask for the discount as well for the upgrade price plan.‬
a j weir: Okay I will do that on chat tomorrow night. Can you assure me please those charges will be cleared
Monkey: ‪Yes, I assure, you that these charges will be resolved, as you have already made all the previous payment successfully and on time, hence you will not face nay sort of inconvenience regarding the upgrade.‬
Monkey: ‪However, may I know did you try to upgrade early?‬
a j weir: No I tried 3 days after I was able to and they wouldnt let me because they said I owed that ridiculous amount of money
Monkey: ‪Oh! I am really sorry to learn that, please don’t worry at all, the charges are incorrect hence you will not face such concern again.‬
Monkey: ‪I will update the notes on the account as well.‬
a j weir: That is great thank you very much , You can imagine how frustrated I have been when different people have promised to sort this and have not it’s a poor way to treat customers
Monkey: ‪I completely agree with you, and certainly understand that how much you have gone through to upgrade your contract.‬
Monkey: ‪My apologizes for everything, however, as you have made the payment successfully, you can do the upgrade any time.‬
Monkey: ‪And you have all the right to get angry as well.‬
a j weir: II don’t like getting angry it’s just a shame people don’t do their job properly it makes for a poor customer experience. You understand the fact that you need customer’s right?
info: A copy of this chat conversation will be sent to ajanderson1@btinternet.com at the end of this chat.
Monkey: ‪I do understand that and apologize for all the inconvenience that has caused to you of everyone’s behalf.‬
Monkey: ‪Please just give me once chance we will sort this for you.‬
a j weir: Last chance saloon if not I am afraid in April I will leave . I will connect to chat before 7.00 pm tomorrow and hopefully it can all be resolved. Although I am not overly optimistic I have more chance of winning the lottery
Monkey: ‪Yes, it will be please be assured.‬
Monkey: ‪Apart from this if you have any other concern, please share it with me. I will do my best to get this resolved.‬
a j weir: No that is my only concern I just want that sorting. Thanks for your help and have a great evening.
Monkey: ‪You too Amanda, and apologizes for everything.‬
Monkey: Thank you for contacting Vodafone, please click here to end the chat

So on the drive home tonight I dialled in for a bit of Coldplay action , and unlike the live chat I waited for 25 minutes. By this point I had been hypnotised by Chris Martin and had actually forgotten I was holding for somebody and when they spoke I almost crapped my pants!!!!

Now this chap was a whole new level of awkward . He refused to accept my memorable word as Cockwomble (clearly they hadn’t updated that either) and got a bit angsty that I kept breaking up!!!

‘It’s your piss poor signal “ I exclaimed ”How the hell you expect me to run up a high bill when I can hardly get a signal I will never know” “ Anyway enough pleasantries I was promised my account would be cleared by now and I could upgrade “ ” Is this now the case?”

To which he replied “ Did you get the text from us “ to which I replied “ No ” …. probably because I have a shit signal.

So he sent it again ………….


Yes you read that correctly.

We go from this …….

thumbs up

Monkey: Amanda, please don’t worry at all, I found that the charges on the bill are total incorrect hence please don’t worry at all; we will remove them for you. ‬

To….. Basically this

f you

So I have now cancelled my direct debit, and if you want paying then you can contact me !!!

ner ner


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