Welcome to the first in my series of “Surviving Christmas “guides. First up everybody is talking about it and has been for months, you have scoured the shops for the perfect outfit and have been plucking and prepping every single inch of your body ready for this one night alone…. Yes you guessed it it’s the works Christmas party. Not only is this the perfect opportunity to make your move on that cute guy from accounts you’ve had your eye on for months, it’s also the chance to drink copious amounts of alcohol and dance the night away with your colleagues. All courtesy of the company you have work so hard for. And boy are you going to make the most out of it.
So the night arrives and thanks to the army of bloggers you follow you have sourced the perfect outfit, applied the perfect makeup and you are looking hotter than Grandpa Bear’s porridge. So far so good .Okay now let’s just pause and take a minute, if you don’t drink you have AJ’s permission to go out and enjoy yourself , you look great so go own that room girl. However if you like a drink then let’s just take a minute and figure out….. What type of drunk are you?
- The Ten Pint Talker.
Affectionately named after the bloke that downs ten pints and then spends the test of the night boring every single person he comes into contact with the Ten Pint Talker will spend all night talking mindless crap leaving their colleagues no opportunity to escape therefore ruining their night. The office one by one gets informed of your whole life story as you trap them at the bar, the buffet table, the smokers area or even the toilets. Meanwhile cute guy from accounts has cleverly avoided you and is dancing with the office temp.
- The Wannanbe Nightclub Podium Dancer
There may be plenty of room on the dance floor but there is no better way for you to showcase that routine you learnt from your sister, daughter’s just dance CD than the tables, thus making you visible on a much higher level. So up you go, flicking your hair back and forth as you trample all over the tables one by one knocking the contents of each one flying. You think you could be the ninth member of Diversity however when they say “Dance like nobody is watching” on this occasion you really should have. You now have everybody’s attention and maintain it right up to the point your moves send you into an unexpected backflip and the paramedics wheel you out clutching your Jimmy Choos in one hand and Entonox in the other. You spend the next 4 hours in A&E giving you enough time to sober up and choose the colour of your plaster cast which will give the office at least another 6 weeks to point at you and laugh. Meanwhile cute guy from accounts and office temp spend the rest of the night laughing hysterically together at the embarrassing drunk. And the office opportunist rubs his hands and starts a sweep stake on how many bones you have broken.
- The Flirt.
Yes some ladies after a few drinks suddenly develop the “Vamp Syndrome “ and will flirt outrageously with any man standing within a 2ft radius sadly even if their girlfriends or wives are present. I am not talking the gradual eye contact, introduce yourself slowly kind, I am talking the full on method which results in you leaving the party early with your poor victim and then later texting your friend still at the party to ask what the guy’s name is. Shameful!! Meanwhile cute guy from accounts has labelled you the office bike and although he actually did have his eye on you wouldn’t now touch you with a ten foot pole. And lastly……………………………………………………………
- The Revert to a Teenager Drunk.
This type of drunk is known to demonstrate any one or all of the following, childish behaviour, crying, ability to start a fight and lastly vomit everywhere. If you are really lucky they may even do all three leaving the guests with not only dinner but a show. Now whilst The Teenage Drunk may look pretty standard at a weekend out in the city centre, there is no room for this type of drunk at the office party. Especially if any of the aforementioned are displayed in front of or aimed at your superiors. In fact vomiting on or threatening the boss because he overlooked you for that promotion , jamming the photocopier with cocktail sausages or sneaking into your bosses office with cute guy from accounts will probably have you in front of HR the following Monday quicker than you can say P45. So enjoy the party as it will probably be your last.
Now nobody is saying that you cannot go out and have a nice time or that you have to act like Mother Teresa all night. It is Christmas after all, but you must remember that whatever happens on that night will remain company gossip for the next month and then annually thereafter.
So my advice to survive the office Christmas party is this ….When you look in the mirror pleased with all the effort you have put into looking so stunning for that one night. Strive to be the girl discussed the next day for looking amazing and stealing the show. Be talked about and remembered for all the right reasons. This is a much better legacy to leave behind and it might even bag you that cute guy from accounts. So whatever you are doing, have fun stay safe and think remember my words of wisdom.
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