How to survive the crap Christmas present…..

We all have that one family member who every year excels in buying the most hideous gifts known to man. You know who he or she is and to be fair it is mostly an ageing great so for the purpose of this blog let’s call her Aunt Maud. So when it comes to that moment on Christmas Day when Aunt Maud hands over that highly anticipated gift your heart sinks and you start to sweat because we all know she has form and all eyes are on you.

Two things by now will probably be running through your mind.

Firstly what the heck you are going to do with another can of peaches ( you mentioned you liked them once ten years ago) and some Yardley bath cubes ( both won at bingo as the raffle ticket is still stuck to the underside of the can and the bath cubes are sellotaped together .

Aunt Maud

And secondly how the bejesus are you going to stop your body from automatically contorting into all sorts of horrified expressions when you open it, revealing all to a room full of eager spectators primed to witness your reaction.

Now clearly you need to stop that horrified expression from taking place. Aunt Maud may suck at buying gifts but she does have feelings after all, and if she sees anything other than a visual display defining this as the best present you have ever received , she is going to spend the rest of the day making your life hell .

This may include telling you that the beautiful red lipstick you are wearing actually makes you look like a hooker and that the turkey you painstakingly stuffed, basted and slaved over for half of the day was a bit on the “dry side”. Believe me if you are anything like me like me you will have been run ragged and by mid-afternoon you will feel like you actually gave birth to baby Jesus yourself.

So unless you get this in hand Aunt Maud may find herself with more than her haemorrhoids to consider as her last cutting remark sends you into a Christmas fuelled rage, resulting in your family using full on restrain measures to stop you trying to use Aunt Maude as a replacement for the angel at the top of the tree.

Now nobody wants to spend Christmas night pulling pine needles from Aunt Maud’s derriere. It might make for a great alternative game of Ker Plunk but come on it is Christmas after all. So this is my suggestion on how you handle it without the mess, because pine needles are a bitch to hoover up and do you really want those tweezers near your face after they have been up close and personal with Aunt Maud. Errrrrrr no!

Therefore in your head prior to receiving the gift you need to rank the forthcoming gift severity from 1-10 with 10 being the worst. You then use that very same scale to indicate the level of appropriateness for the present which you will be purchasing for Aunt Maud next year. At best scoring a 1 , next year Aunt Maud will next year receive a handkerchief set which she will find useful , whilst this year you get a practical amount of use from the car cleaning kit she purchased for you ( if you don’t have a car this then gets escalated to a 10) . But scoring a 10 Aunt Maud finds herself spending all day next Christmas fathoming out how to play cat’s cradle with a thong!

So with this vision in mind when you open your present and she scores a 10 your face will be so excited at the prospect of stitching Aunt Maud up next year. Joyous at the thought of Aunt Maud offering her thong to Percy the Perv inviting him to tangle his hands in them during tea and cake at her local Wednesday Club, believe me your body language will do you proud.

To follow is a list of some of the worst Christmas presents I have received.

A picture of a duck.

A toy spider inside a walnut.

A cabinet with half the bits missing.

A second hand foot spa.

A lottery ticket for 2 weeks previous.

Leave a comment with some of the worst presents you have ever received.

Can I just add that is about the receiving of a gift that matters and that although I joke about receiving awful gifts, genuine gifts that are brought with good albeit misguided intentions are always lovely to receive. However the re-gifter who palms their previously received crap off in a valiant attempt at upcycling in the hope that they receive something better in return deserves everything they get.

So if you want a toy spider in a walnut to send back to an obvious re gifter drop me a line………. I will do anything for a good cause.

Insert Maniacal laugh here…..

Happy gifting after all…………

 

XOXO Aj

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